One small Way to Make a BIG Improvement in Your Relationship

How long has it been since your partner or spouse said or did something that frustrated, hurt, or offended you in some way? No matter how great your relationship is, when you stick with someone long enough, this kind of disappointment is going to happen. It’s the human condition. We aren’t perfect. And we let each other down – sometimes painfully. But those moments don’t have to escalate into battles. In fact, they can become very real opportunities for growing closer together while increasing mutual understanding, trust, and caring. Here is one simple conversational tool you can practice to move things in that direction, maybe even to the point of beginning a transformation between you. And it isn’t one I learned in graduate school. I learned it in the real life adventures of my own relationship ups and downs with my amazing wife of almost thirty years now!

Let’s say my wife just asked me to do something that is important to her in that moment. And something about the way I heard her tone and choice of words, combined with my present mood and a variety of my own memories of interactions with her and others, led me to interpret her request as some sort of bossy demand or personal attack or other unpleasant verbal shot. In other words – I’m upset about something my wife just said to me.

If I just go with my automatic gut reaction, I may huff and roll my eyes. Maybe I fire some snarky passive-aggressive line at her. Or I decide to go all in with some explosive version of, “I’m so sick of the way you always…!” Could be one of those times to just coldly ignore her, while actively simmering on a resentment I’m using to justify my childishness. My wife (or your significant other, I imagine) could undoubtedly offer a few other examples of this general type of response, but I’ll call that enough for now. Okay, I know I’m supposed to be the authority here, and you’re looking to me and my blog for a bit of expert advice. But let me ask you: How do you think any one of these interactions is likely to go between my bride and me? How likely is she to listen to my point of view? Will she even want to try to work out whatever is going on between us so we can be closer and better connected – or maybe just keep her distance from the erupting man-child in the kitchen? Whatever happens next, we’re likely going to move quickly in the wrong direction – away from the kind of understanding, respect, kindness, and connection we’d like in this relationship.

So, l’ll do something different than going with that kind of easy, thoughtless, automatic, defensive reaction. Instead, I’ll put just a bit of thoughtful effort and a touch of genuine humility into my response: “Babe, I know I may have taken this the wrong way. But when you just said _____, it came across to me like you were calling me a _____. Maybe that’s not what you meant, but it feels like _____.” Or maybe: “I realize I may be overreacting, and I don’t want come across as childish or petty or be mean or hurtful toward you. It just felt like you meant _____ when you said _____. But I may have taken it the wrong way.” There are different ways to phrase this kind of response, and you can work on finding the words and style that fit you and your significant other best. The point is to practice the humility of acknowledging you may have misinterpreted what they just said to you. To give the benefit of the doubt to this person who means so much to you, and who you deeply want to experience as a true teammate and partner in life. To clearly express your love for them and your view of them as a good person, not as a villain or enemy. Expressing hurt or frustration about something your mate said or did is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship. Doing it with humility and grace doesn’t cost much – just some thoughtfulness, willingness, and maybe some practice. The benefits? Superb!