(This image of an osprey delivering a nice sturdy branch to its nest will make sense. I hope. Just read…)
Ingredients for a Delightful Marriage: WORK

I know. “Fun” was the first ingredient I listed in my previous article when I introduced this series about the recipe for making and sustaining a great marriage. And here I am starting with “Work.” But as I frequently need to remind my clients (and myself!), we’ve gotta be careful about focusing so much on the easy enjoyable stuff in life that we create a pattern of avoiding the tough stuff – the Work. So, we’re starting with work. (And this’ll make the Fun part so much more enjoyable. For real.)

The specific things you and your spouse will need to prioritize working on are going to depend on both of your personalities, your backgrounds, and your issues together. It’s kinda like making a great soup that you’ll enjoy making and eating many times over your lifetime. Which vegetables you include and what type of seasoning you use are up to your particular tastes, but if you use too much or too little, you’ll know something’s off as you do your best to eat it. Even so, here are some guiding principles that should help you work on the things that will make the differences that really matter in your lifetime of marriage:

• Have conversations about things you’d really rather avoid. That tends to be an indication that the subject really matters, or else it wouldn’t feel so touchy. Be kind and considerate as you discuss, but go there. 
• Be willing to try things and practice things that are outside your comfort zone, simply because it matters to your spouse. 
• If there are practices from books or websites or whatever that seem to be gaining real support among people you know and like, or have proven to be tried and true over a long time, they are probably worth trying out in your own marriage. Even if you think your marriage doesn’t need any improvements. 
• Periodically make a point to directly ask your spouse if there is anything they feel needs attention and work in your marriage. Even if you think your marriage doesn’t need any improvements. 
• Keep your eyes and your life open to finding and learning from marriage mentors – someone you know and respect who has learned some things the hard way, and seems to be enjoying the kind of life and marriage you want to experience. If they encourage or challenge you to work on something, it’s probably a good idea, even if you think your marriage doesn’t need any improvements.
• Working on being a good listener is always well worth it. So is learning to say what you really mean – without being mean about it. And consistently doing what you say you’ll do – that’s always good work. 

Work isn’t always enjoyable. And let’s be honest – marriage isn’t always enjoyable, either. Yeah, I said it. And I have a great marriage with an amazing woman with whom I’ve shared over thirty years of my life journey. But when we’re willing to work at the elements that are difficult and unpleasant in the practice and pursuit of something that really matters to us and makes a positive real-world impact, it makes for a richly rewarding experience. Just as marriage should be. 

I don’t know how this Osprey feels about working on the structure of its nest. But I do know it is diligent about it. I’ve had the opportunity to watch this home enough times in recent years to know that the couple that reside here have a thriving partnership. They eat well. They communicate well. They live well. And they raise their offspring well. They do the work.