I am so grateful and humbled to share with you that the Spirit of God worked in a powerful way over the last week, and especially through this weekend, to open the eyes of my heart and bring me to a renewed place as a husband, through repentence and healing. I am grateful to Eddie and Judy Parish for their continuing joyful willingness to share their rich gifts of hospitality, spiritual discernment, and loving grace. And I am grateful to my wife for going to the hard places with me by being open, vulnerable, and real.

And my soul and my marriage are renewed. My hope has once again taken flight and my spirit feels free to flap its wings in freedom and joy. Thank you, LORD!!!

I share this glimpse of my personal journey with you for a couple of reasons. First, I want you to know that we all struggle in life and relationships - even us professional experts. Struggling is okay. It is universal. At least when we are struggling, we show evidence that we are hoping for something better. Second, I want to encourage you that you really do not have to wait on your spouse to make some kind of changes so you can have a better marriage experience. You can improve your marriage experience right now, starting today! You can choose to stop dwelling on what you see as the shortcomings in your spouse or the injustices in your marriage, and you can choose to place your focus on improving yourself as a spouse and finding joy in blessing your mate, whether or not he/she seems to “deserve” it right now.

I must say, I am amazed at the difference I experience in my peace, joy, and marital satisfaction, when I “practice what I preach” to my clients on a regular basis. I shouldn’t be amazed. I share these perspectives with them, because I know it is the best way to live - in marriage and all other relationships. But knowing the Truth and living the Truth take vastly different amounts of willingness and self-discipline. And by the way, our time at the retreat made it clear to my that I was the one who had the most changing to do. The minor “flaws” I had pegged in my wife were far eclipsed by the disgruntled attitude I was blindly wielding to the harm of each of us and our marriage. Repentance, joy, and grace are not just nice terms from the language of Christianity. They are POWERFUL forces for life transformation, my friends!

For more guidance along these lines, I highly recommend “Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy” by Gary Thomas and “ScreamFree Marriage” (audio) by Hal Runkel. And while you’re at it, you might want to round out the resource package with “Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Committed Relationships” by David Schnarch.

We started out so strong and proud and noble. Look at us now - still strong and great in some very significant ways, but in many ways not living out the American Dream as envisioned by our forefathers (or so I would strongly suspect). I’m not writing this post to be anti-patriotic, or to jump on our nation. I’m writing about human nature. Isn’t it such an ingrained part of our nature to take our freedom, put it in the hands of our sinful (”selfish) nature, and begin to destroy ourselves in the pursuit of happiness? Maybe it’s just me, as I know this is a continual struggle for me, but this seems to be a fairly universal dynamic.

So this year for Independence Day, I am inviting you to join me in an important declaration of independence. Let’s take a long, honest look at ourselves and determine to set ourselves free from the self-destructive, relationship-destructive attitudes and actions that may seem so right or justified when we are only focused on immediate gratification and not on the bigger picture. I don’t know what your internal laundry list looks like, but I am learning to see my own more clearly. Maybe it’s your role in your marriage, that nasty habit, some parenting practices, your spirit while driving, how you spend your money, how you spend your time, or any of a zillion other things. Whatever it is, you cling to it, knowing it is only making your life worse, because somewhere down deep you just believe you deserve it. And it really has you enslaved by your own embracing of it. Name it clearly for what it is, maybe even write it down and/or share it with a trusted someone, and then…

Surrender it to God. Turn it over to your Father who really does want the very best for you. Cultivate a willingness and desire to live as Christ in this area of your life. Daily invite His Holy Spirit to guide you and empower you to be released from this voluntary prison and live in the true freedom that only comes through surrender.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery…You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love.” - Galatians 5:1, 13

With Hope of Freedom through Him,

Roger

Last year’s Independence Day post

One of the differences (among many) between Facebook and MySpace is that Facebook really presents itself as essentially tamer and not quite as edgy as MySpace. Sure, people post their party pics, share wisecracking “bumper stickers,” and post links to favorite videos and such. But the Facebook experience somehow seems less given to some of the worst of the MySpace experience. (MySpace is certainly not all bad, by the way.) Well, I am pleased to share with you a recent experience that really encouraged me regarding Facebook’s desire and efforts to remain a positive social networking experience. I was looking for the profile of someone who was not on my official “friends” list. When I entered her name, I saw a profile list of a dozen or so people with the same name. One of these individuals had a very sexually revealing and provocative picture on their profile image, and I immediately reported it to Facebook, which they readily encourage in such situations. Facebook’s stock just went up in my view, when they responded within a couple days and pulled the offensive image.

Way to go, Facebook! No, they can’t police everything everyone does on such a vast social network, nor should they. But they can maintain certain limits on what can be shared for all to see, and I am impressed to see how willing they are to do so. Happy Facebooking!

But however terrific he may be, he’s still human, and he’s still only four, and he’s still my son. This means he still has a lot of growing up to do. One of his current favorite phrases is, “But…I NEED it!” This is almost always preceded by his mother or me telling him “no” to a particular request. To my best recollection, neither of us have actually ever deprived him of something he NEEDED when he asked for it. In fact, at his age, the vast majority of his NEEDS are supplied without his asking - we know what he needs.

The truth is, hearing him say how much he NEEDS something is currently one of the clearest indicators that he does not NEED it, and in fact, would probably benefit directly from doing without it. Don’t get me wrong - our son is far from deprived. One look in our backyard, his bedroom, or our living room quickly confirms the reality of that issue. And maybe that is a big contributor to his probably of mistaking want for NEED. He gets most of what he wants. Oh, we don’t spend elaborate amounts of money on toys, and he hears “no” plenty from us, but he really does get a great deal of what he wants.

And isn’t that the American way? But…I want NEED it! Well, if you want it that much, there’s no reason you shouldn’t have it right away. I won’t attempt to go into an exhaustive list of all the areas of typical American life where we expect to get what we want, when we want it, with little or no hassle or sacrifice on our parts. I’ll just pick one that clearly illustrates this warped perspective that can so easily grab hold of our attitudes and our lives. Credit cards. I read last night that Americans currently owe over $995,000,000 in credit card debts. That’s over 995 million, folks! We’re baring down fast on owing ONE BILLION DOLLARS IN CREDIT CARD DEBT!!! Holy short-sighted, self-indulgent, I-don’t-just-want-it-I-NEED-it!, Batman! We’ve got a huge problem here. We aren’t worried about how much we really NEED stuff, or whether we have actually earned enough to pay for it. We want it, and we’ve got the plastic to get it for us right now. Cha-ching!!!

So, my challenge to you today is this: Take a couple of weeks for some focused self-analysis. Notice how many things you approach on a regular basis as though you NEED them. Then ask yourself, “Do I really NEED this, or is it a want or convenience?” Notice how often you expect to get whatever you want, whenever you want it, and get bent out of shape when your expectation isn’t met to your satisfaction. Notice your reaction in such situations. How did you do? Anything need to change? Maybe a steady, big dose of gratitude and contentment would help. I know it helps me tremendously, when I’m willing to take my medicine. And I know my son will struggle to learn gratitude and contentment if he does not see it in his Dad. Well, I’m off to go pick up my son from school. I just hope there aren’t any idiots out there holding up traffic, because I really NEED to get there when I want to get there, regardless of how much time I left myself to make the trip! Yeah, I know - I’ll keep taking my medicine. I’m obviously not cured yet.

It takes time, focus, patience, diligence - basically a lot of self-discipline. Hmmmm, where has the issue of self-discipline come up lately? But I really, really want to play guitar. No, that’s not quite the truth. The truth is, I want to be great with the guitar. It’s not that I have visions of being a famous performer with a huge following. (OK, maybe just a little - but it’s about as serious a dream as Fletch playing power forward for the Lakers!) I want to be great at the guitar, because music means so much to me, and I believe this will open up a whole avenue of experiencing and expressing my self. But what I really want to share with you are some of the life lessons I am learning from guitar lessons:

1. You don’t master anything overnight, no matter how much it matters to you. (I would argue that anything you actually can master overnight is not likely to make much of a meaningful impact on your life.) It takes time, focus, and determination to master anything worthwhile in life. Shortcuts and quick fixes do not lead to mastery. Only persistent, diligent, self-discipline leads to mastery.

2. If you really want to be good at something, you have to be willing to work on the stuff that isn’t fun and doesn’t come easy. If you are willing to toil your way through the parts that just aren’t fun and don’t come naturally, eventually you may just find yourself in the promised land where those things have become second-nature and allow you to enjoy life in ways you never could have imagined before doing all that hard work.

3. If you want to make big forward progress, you have to move at a pace you can actually sustain. Sometimes in our zeal to get where we want to be with a new life endeavor, we can push and rush ourselves so hard that we slide into the swamp of frustration and burnout, rather than steadily walking down the path to the promised land.

4. Sometimes you need to take a break and play, if you are going to have any hope of staying the course for the long haul. Just don’t forget that the playtime is a break, and that more work remains to be done. When practicing a Beatles song with rapid transitions from G to F to C have me wanting to make kindling out of my innocent six-string, it may be a good idea to blow off the Fab Four for a few minutes and play the really fun and easy chords of “Free Fallin” by Tom Petty, which requires very little thought or skill and has the benefit of leading me down the nostalgic path back to 10th grade. Ah, that was fun - now I’m ready to tackle George Harrison!

5. Humility goes a long way toward making real progress at any worthwhile pursuit in life. I can’t tell you how much I would love to quit going for my weekly guitar lessons until I have mastered everything my teacher has shown me so far. Then I could come back and really impress him! But I seriously doubt I would stick with it at this point, if I didn’t have that weekly lesson to keep me on track. And even if I did, I will progress much more quickly and learn much more, if I stick with a good teacher/mentor - which requires the humility to keep coming in week after week and demonstrate how at this point I’m not even worthy to change the guitar strings for a Hendrix or a Clapton or a Van Halen or a Vaughn. But I hope and believe that if I am willing to keep admitting each day who and where I really am, and who and where I really am not, I will grow a little better each day.

Many thanks to Ben “Obi-Wan” Hurley, my terrific guitar teacher at Zeagler Music. I am grateful for the many things I am learning from you, including guitar.

To my horror, my back-stabbing, good for nothing, self-esteem stomping scale in my own home verified the weight I had earlier dismissed from the scale at the gym.  I wasn’t holding a steady weight from a couple months ago, and I sure wasn’t inching my way to a smaller waistline.  In fact, I have put on over 10 pounds.  Ouch!!!  How did this happen?  I mean, I really do want to get down to an ideal, healthy weight (now about 40 pounds away), so what could possibly be causing me to put on weight?

The answer is pretty straightforward, and I will share a quote from Hal Runkel, of ScreamFree Living, to put it as simply as possible:

Recipe for failure: Sacrifice what I want most, for what I want right now.

Well, Hal - you hit the nail on the head!  Ouch!!!  The truth is, it doesn’t matter how much I want to weigh less, or get that room organized, or improve this relationship, or stop that nasty habit, or whatever else, if I am not willing to keep that desire as a higher priority than my feelings of the moment.  I will reach my goals in life only when I am willing to surrender my momentary whims (which are often nothing more than the desires of my Flesh, in direct opposition to the desires of the Spirit living in me) in self-discipline and self-control, and do those things which will actually bring me toward my goals and healthy growth.

So today’s message is: It’s time for Dr. Butner to take a dose of his own medicine, and sacrifice the momentary pleasures of second helpings, rich deserts, mindless candy-munching, and the like, and experience the momentary unpleasantness of self-control so he can reach some healthier goals and places in his life - starting on the scale.

Have you discovered a wonderful experience, activity, place to go, or routine that works great for your family, and is worth sharing with others?

Would it just be really cool to have YOUR topic shared on TV?

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, I would love to hear from you. Please share your thoughts, questions, experiences, or suggestions with me at Roger@hopeforyourfamily.com, or feel free to add your comments to this post (after you have registered as a user on my site). I will email you back personally with my perspectives, and consider using your topic on my next WAFB Parenting 101 interview coming up on the last Tuesday of June at 6:15 am.

I look forward to hearing from you!

With Hope - Roger

Make it a MediaWise Summer!

When your child (or grandchild, niece, nephew, neighbor child, etc) wants you to join him/her to play with water balloons and sprinklers and trampolines in the backyard, and you really don’t feel like it and would rather just go inside and crash on the recliner…

Go for the backyard water play with the kid! A year from now, you won’t remember any particular time you flopped on the La-Z-Boy. But you will remember the splashy fun times with the youngun, and so will your child.

And, frankly, if you’ve never jumped on a trampoline with a high-octane four year old and about thirty water balloons - it’s time you tried it. Trust me.

It is good for us to openly express our perspectives with one another, even if it leads to a “fight.” It gives us a chance to grow as individuals and as a couple. Just as the muscles in our bodies grow stronger and healthier by being stretched and challenged, so do our attitudes and relationships grow through being pushed beyond our comfort zones. Did I agree with everything my wife said to me in our discussion? No. Did I like everything my wife said to me? No, indeed! (including things I did not and did agree with, I have to admit) Did I need to hear everything she shared with me? Yes, sir! In fact, if I hadn’t let myself get into defensive mode here and there in the conversation, I probably would have heard more things I would have appreciated hearing. But, the truth is I did get defensive at times, and this almost certainly kept our talk from being as productive and healthy as possible. But it was still good, even though we still don’t agree on some things at a rather personal level, and even though I went in and out of defensive mode. It was good because we talked honestly with one another. It was good because we were respectful of one another, despite strong feelings of disagreement. It was good because it wasn’t comfortable, but we went there anyway.

It is also good for us to keep ourselves calm, and to calm ourselves down when we do start to “lose it.” (get upset, get bent out of shape, get emotionally reactive - whatever you want to call it) Even though this discussion stayed relatively calm and respectful, as fights go, I still came away with feelings of frustration, discouragement, even some rising despair. “I’m so sick of fighting about this same old thing!” “If she would just appreciate where I’m coming from, and change accordingly, everything would be great.” “Why did this have to happen when I thought things were going so great? At least, I know I sure have been growing as a better spouse!” Yes, the professional Christian counselor had all these thoughts and more as I headed for bed and got up to face my day yesterday. From talking with my wife, I think she had the same thoughts from her perspective. I am grateful to report that both of us took the time and made the effort over the course of the following day to clear our heads of unhelpful garbage, calm ourselves down, and refocus on what we can do personally to move forward in a way that is best for both of us and our family.

And so, today I am truly thankful for the marital fight, as well as the calm, respectful, personal responsibility my wife and I are showing ourselves and one another. This tells me we can keep growing in the strong marriage we have both enjoyed and appreciated so much for the past almost 12 years. Yes, our anniversary is coming this weekend, and here we had a fight this week. Progress, not perfection - right?