HopeForYourFamily

Here’s a little sample from the introduction I have written for my book this week.  It should give you an idea of where the book is headed:

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When I first began to move from “I’d love to write a book someday” to “It’s time to start working on my first book,” I intended to compose a book of practical guidance for achieving healthier relationships.  I felt sure this would include some references to spiritual matters, and might even include a few examples from scripture.  After all, I am a Christian, which impacts my life and counseling practice in significant ways.  Of course my book on relationships will be informed by Christian views and Biblical teaching.

I arrived at The Parish Hermitage in a quiet South Louisiana bayou for my “writing retreat,” where I intended to begin writing the book that had been forming within me for years, and was finally groaning to be birthed.  I had prayed about this moment and the ensuing season of writing my book for months.  But until I knelt to pray beside the table holding my new notebook computer and my stack of selected sourcebooks, I had not yet surrendered this project to God’s will.  Oh, how surrendering my life to the will of God changes everything!  When I genuinely, humbly surrendered, He lovingly took control.  He keeps teaching me how much better my life is when I am surrendered and He is in control, and slowly I am beginning to learn.  But the lessons can be so difficult for me.  It is not in my nature to surrender and yield control to another.  I want to dominate and seize as much control as possible.  Don’t you?  (I hope you will take the time and courage to answer that simple question honestly, not just dismissing it as “rhetorical.”) 

And as the Spirit of God began to lead my surrendered mind and will, I reflected back on my plans for my book (notice the word “my” three times in this sentence). (more…)

The concept of “differentiation of self” was formally defined, explored, and explained by the late Murray Bowen, one of the great minds and founding grandfathers of the field of marriage and family therapy. While his mind and insights were incredibly keen, he wrote on a level that has been very difficult for most folks to easily understand and apply in a practical, meaningful way. Thankfully, others have picked up his torch and found more accessible ways to share his light with the world. I am grateful to find myself in this succession of torch-bearers, and I would like to share a bit with you today about what I have learned regarding the process and power of differentiation.

Here is my best definition of Differentiation: Standing on one’s own two feet. Speaking and acting with calm, courageous, honest integrity, despite any pressures being applied by people or circumstances outside oneself. Being who you know you should be in all circumstances, regardless of whether others praise, criticize, or ignore.

OK, so if you’re like me, you conquered this differentiation thing a long time ago, and always live according to this standard. Yeah, right!!! With the best of intentions, I continue to fall so short of this way of living in so many different circumstances. At the same time, I am grateful to say I am growing, and I come closer to this ideal more often today than in years past. Part of my growth has come through reading and studying about differentiation and related principles, through my academic and ongoing professional training and practice. Most of my growth has come through two far more powerful teachers - life experience and real life mentors.

Through every challenge, failure, and victory I have experienced in my life, I have had one great mentor there for me. He has shown me the best example I could possibly find. He has believed in me, and offered me a steady presence of loving, devoted encouragement. He has even forgiven me of every one of my mistakes and failures, including the ones so heinous I have almost been crushed under the weight of their shame. This mentor is Jesus, the only perfect example of human life and differentiation who has ever walked the planet. I will be sharing more later, but consider today the following glimpses into the life of my ultimate example. (more…)

I recently found this old post from Mike Cope’s blog, and wanted to share it with you here. It is a well written perspective on the concept of differentiation in the context of families. Differentiation is one of the core concepts I will be explaining and building upon in my upcoming book, which I will begin writing at a retreat this month. The book will be about the important dynamics that drive our relationships - the ones that are largely under the surface and can stay off our radar unless we know how to look for them. I’ll keep you posted on the book’s progress, and let you know when I have a working title.

For now, if you are interested in reading more on the concepts of differentiation and enmeshment, I recommend reading “ScreamFree Parenting” by Hal Edward Runkel and “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch.

Here is a sneak peak at my upcoming column in the March/April issue of Southern Families Magazine.  I don’t know how much editing the column will undergo for publication, but here is my original, based on a question submitted from a parent through the Parenting 101 page on WAFB’s website.  Thanks to this mom for allowing me to share the basics of her situation and my response, so others can learn how to better address a very common parenting challenge.

Q.
“I have a very “outgoing” 5 year old in Kindergarten.  She is aware of the rules at school, and does her work with excellent marks.  The problem is she won’t stop talking in class, and sometimes sasses the teacher when she tries to correct her.  I really just need help in the respect area of authority it seems.”

A.
First of all, believe me - you are not alone!  The bad news is you are raising your daughter in a culture that largely tolerates behavior you and her teachers recognize to be disrespectful.  The good news is you have already recognized it while she is only 5 years old.  You can now steer her to the right path for a lifetime of respectfulness - which will almost certainly bring her greater peace, enjoyment, and success along the way.

The first key to putting an end to your daughter’s sassy ways is communicating with authority that you will no longer tolerate disrespect from her.  From now on you will expect her to be respectful to all adults and authorities in her life.  There is a huge difference between wishing she will change and expecting her to be respectful.  Expecting her to be respectful means speaking to her (and even looking at her) with a clear, consistent message that you are in charge - not her, and that you WILL NOT TOLERATE disrespect from her.  It also means truly believing she will respond correctly now, not skeptically hoping she might change some day.

You may be surprised how dramatically she responds to your newfound authority, but this will likely not provide the total solution. (more…)

Hopefully, all of us parents want our children to grow up to be personally responsible, morally sound, basically self-sufficient adults who make a positive contribution to society. While there are no guarantees we can make this happen, we do have a great deal of power to lead our children on this path. If you are frequently frustrated by your children’s attitudes and actions of disrespect, laziness, sloppiness, disobedience, etc., TAKE HEART! Here are the five basic keys to steering your kids onto the right path - the path of personal responsibility:

1. EXPECT responsibility in your children. This is NOT the same as wishing, pleading, or even hoping your children will be responsible. Expecting them to be responsible means walking away when it is their time to work, rather than hovering over them to ensure they get it done and get it done right. Expecting responsibility in your kids sends a powerful message of how much you believe in them and their abilities - something children need like air and water. Whether your children are three, ten, fourteen, or eighteen, this principle will go so far to empower them in personal responsible!

2. Clearly communicate your expectations to your children. It is so important to explain your expectations to your children with authority and specificity. Speaking with authority is tied directly to the previous point. It means expecting your children to follow your instruction and leading, because you believe in them. It also means KNOWING you are the primary authority in your children’s lives. How many times have you engaged your children in verbal/emotional battles of will, hoping you will emerge victorious, with your kids coming to a greater respect for your authority? How often does it work out the way you were hoping? How drained are you when you finally get there with them? When you speak to your children from a solid position of authority, not waiting for the results to tell you if you really are the authority, they are far more likely to respect you and follow your leadership. (more…)

Check out my latest addition to the Parenting 101 page, “Want to be a Better Parent? Work on Your Marriage.” And remember to check out the new Parenting 101 page on WAFB.com, (accessible through the “9News This Morning” tab on the left column), and pass it on to others who might have an interest.

Merry Christmas!

Roger

As you might imagine, in my counseling practice I see a lot of power struggles, conflicts, and misbehavior. Things are not going well, so people seek professional guidance to improve their marriage or family relationships. (I also work with people on “individual” issues, but this post will focus on relationships.) As I ask questions and hear descriptions of relationship and behavior patterns, I inevitably hear a number of ways each individual has contributed to the problem. It is also quite common to hear a lot of excuses and blaming to explain away the misbehavior (and misbehavior can certainly take on many, many forms). Let me get real, here. I’ve done the same thing myself, plenty of times. But explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual. Let me say that again…

Explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual.

Oh, it might make you feel better for a while by bringing some temporary relief. It might get you out of a tight spot, and feeling like you got away with it this time. But it isn’t helpful. It isn’t healthy. It does not help you or your relationship to grow. Enough with the negative language. If you really want to improve your relationships - with your spouse, your child, your parents, your co-workers, or whoever - (more…)