HopeForYourFamily

Forgiveness is an issue I must deal with on a frequent basis, because of my work as a marriage and family therapist. However, let’s face it - it is something we all must address at some point in our lives, probably many times throughout our lives. We live in a fallen world. We disappoint, hurt, and betray one another - spouses, family, friends, neighbors, enemies, co-workers, teammates, and any other relational context in which we find ourselves. And if we are to survive the human experience in any kind of healthy way, we must learn to forgive. Following are some of the things I have learned about the difficult and powerful process of forgiveness: (more…)

Normally when I make movie recommendations, it is to rent a video and watch it at home, typically for some “therapeutic” value. Let’s face it - watching movies on the big screen costs a fortune these days, and a lot of it is junk. Having said that…

You need to see Spiderman 3!!! This is not about being amazed by the special effects or the thrill of seeing comic book heroes and villains come to life at the theater. It’s about watching a Hollywood film with great moral messages. The themes in this summer blockbuster are obvious and in your face - and really fantastic. I salute the makers and producers of this great movie for challenging us to live lives of self-sacrifice, righteousness, and forgiveness, rather than the selfishness, wickedness, and bitterness that seem to be consuming our culture much like a sticky blob of black tar that crawls around looking for someone already headed down the wrong path…OK, I’ll let you go watch it for yourself.

Check out my “Therapeutic Movie Recommendations” page for more recommendations and helpful resources and links regarding using movies for insight and inspiration.

My post on this Friday is a short one.  I am preparing to take what has become a semi-annual trip with my wife to the Parish Hermitage in St. Amant, LA.  Sometimes we have “issues” to work on.  This one was planned around our 11 year wedding anniversary - no issues!  However, we now find ourselves carrying a painful burden for a loved one.  I am in need of some recharging, encouragement, and quiet space - I need some restoration.  I know God can provide this to anyone, anywhere, anytime.  But He sure seems to do a lot of restoring out at the Hermitage!  I am deeply grateful to God for the Parish family and the way they continue to use their wonderful gifts in such loving obedience to God and service to fellow strugglers on the journey.  If you are longing for restoration in your life - in your heart, your mind, your emotions, your career, your marriage, your church, I recommend you give serious consideration to a visit to the Parish Hermitage.

With Hope,

Roger

Although I’ve never been to medical school, people come to my office every day for cardiology exams. Most of the time, they don’t even know they have a heart condition, but the symptoms have finally compelled them to seek help. And their complaints sound something like this:

He just doesn’t listen to me!

She really doesn’t care about me anymore!

I’m sick of all the fighting.

etc…etc…etc

The list of specific complaints, issues, frustrations, and problems is a long one. However, I have learned that there is frequently a common source of the marital “sickness.” Someone in this marriage (often both spouses) has a heart condition. Jesus wisely explains to us that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. The way we speak and act in any relationship, certainly including marriage, is going to be a reflection of our inner life. Our attitudes and character, frequently referred to in scripture as our “heart,” is what drives the actions of our lives and who we are in our relationships. (more…)

It’s spring cleaning time at my house.  My wife and I have both hit that point over the last couple of weeks.  We want to get our house in order and experience the refreshing peace of spring cleaning.  I’ve got the yard mowed.  I even splurged on some expensive fertilizer/weed killer/ant killer and some new grass seed.  Never have I given such luxurious treatment to my lawn, but I decided it’s probably a good idea every few years.  My wife has been doing a lot of straightening and organizing and rearranging in the house, and we have gratefully had the money this year to pay a friend to come over and deep clean for us.  The yard is looking good.  Our closets are neat.  The kitchen is glowing.  The bathrooms are clean.  Even the furniture has been brightened.  The house smells fresh.

 Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

It’s nice to have things fresh and in order.  And I think it is no coincidence that we do such cleaning in the spring.  Spring is the time when all of God’s creation bursts forth with new life.  Much that has appeared brown and withered and dead suddenly perks up and becomes green and full of life and blossoms.  And so we naturally feel the desire to clean our homes and give them the same rejuvenation God is giving the great outdoors.  What a great opportunity to get our houses in order!  I’m talking now about the lives and relationships that rest and play and work and reside within the rooms and yards that we are busily sprucing up with our spring cleaning efforts.  As for me… (more…)

“I’m really frustrated with my marriage.” - “My wife is driving me crazy!” - “I am so sick of my husband!” - “Our marriage just isn’t what it used to be.” - “I just don’t feel satisfied with my marriage.” - “Is this as good as it gets?” - “I’m not happy anymore.”

So many different ways of expressing dissatisfaction with married life - and I’ve heard a lot of them in my office.  The details of the problems can vary greatly, and just when I think I’ve heard it all, I hear a painful new story.  Humans are tremendously complex creatures, being made in the likeness of a fantastic, multi-layered God.  To say that human relationships, particularly marriages, are complex is a huge understatement.  And yet…

While I am always keenly interested in the particular dynamics of the individuals and marriages of the couples with whom I work, I am beginning to see marriage in simpler terms.  Most couples who seek counseling with me do so because one or both spouses are feeling unhappy.  And they are hoping I can offer them the guidance they need to find the path back to happiness.  It is human nature to desire happiness and fulfillment, and we certainly expect to experience it in our marriages, of all places.   We all know we will experience some times of unhappiness in this journey of life, but significant ongoing unhappiness within a marriage is typically a sign of a problem that needs to be addressed and resolved.  And professional marital counseling is often the best approach.  But here is where it gets…tricky. (more…)

A few months ago, my wife and I invested a good bit of money in having professionals come whip our front landscaping into shape.  They did a great job.  We’ve got all kinds of new flowers (don’t ask me what kind), new greenery, new mulch.  The house has really benefitted from the colorful “facelift.”  It looks pretty snazzy.  We are thankful for our nice home, and enjoy it very much.  We also didn’t want to be the eyesore of the neighborhood.  But we finally admitted we were never going to get the motivation to attack the project ourselves.  So we called in the pros - and are very pleased with our choice.

But now there are weeds.  How did this happen?!  I watched how deeply the husband and wife team dug up the old beds, cleared them out, and filled in fresh beautiful dirt.  The flowers and plants they put in place were weed-free.  So what happened?  Did the weed fairy come visit our house and plant the nasty little green monsters while we slept?  No, the reality of life is - weeds grow wherever there is dirt and water to be found.  This has been a constant on planet earth since, well, the Garden of Eden.  If I want to keep the ground around my home looking fresh and neat and well kept, I’ll have to either keep pulling weeds and trimming edges and cutting grass, or pay someone else to do it for me.  (For what it’s worth, I’m opting to do it myself, because I think it helps reconnect me to the rhythm and order of God’s creation.)

So today I began pulling weeds.  I donned my long sleeve gold Tigers shirt, clasped on the overalls, laced up my old pair of Timberlands, and dug my fingers into the moist, dark earth in front of my home.  I was quickly faced with a very big decision, one I had not anticipated.  What level of weeding was I going to perform?  A quick scan of the sixty feet or so of flower/shrub beds indicated somewhere in the neigborhood of a dozen big, nasty, “devil weeds.”  I don’t know what you call these things, but they are big and ugly and clearly love South Louisiana.  And I was really tempted to just attack them and call the job done.  But they were not alone.  They had less obvious, but more sinister friends.  Mid-level weeds that spread and hunker down.  And don’t get me started on all the clover.  And there was the grass from the yard that refuses to respect my boundaries.  What should I do?!!

I decided I really wanted to get our money’s worth out of the recent landscape job, so I started at one end and began to remove all unwanted greenery (and a little brownery) from my path.  Wow!!!  What a job!  This is a narrow strip of ground, and I really thought the whole project would take a half hour at most.  When I reached the path from our front door (the halfway mark) an hour later, I decided to stop for the night and finish tomorrow.  I may not have finished the weed pulling project yet, but I made some observations in the process that I believe are worth sharing: 

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