HopeForYourFamily

My wife and I recently went for a marriage retreat at the Parish Hermitage. We really needed it. I really needed it. I was not in a good place regarding my marriage, and my wife and my marriage were suffering for it. And the two things that really blow me away about this are 1. that I felt genuinely justified in my position and 2. I regularly emphasize to my clients that marriage is at its best when you focus and work on yourself, rather than focusing and attempting to work on your spouse. And even though I knew this stuff in my mind, my heart and spirit had gotten twisted around backward and I felt truly stuck - not yet hopeless, but really and truly stuck. Yuck!!!

I am so grateful and humbled to share with you that the Spirit of God worked in a powerful way over the last week, and especially through this weekend, to open the eyes of my heart and bring me to a renewed place as a husband, through repentence and healing. I am grateful to Eddie and Judy Parish for their continuing joyful willingness to share their rich gifts of hospitality, spiritual discernment, and loving grace. And I am grateful to my wife for going to the hard places with me by being open, vulnerable, and real.

And my soul and my marriage are renewed. My hope has once again taken flight and my spirit feels free to flap its wings in freedom and joy. Thank you, LORD!!!

I share this glimpse of my personal journey with you for a couple of reasons. First, I want you to know that we all struggle in life and relationships - even us professional experts. Struggling is okay. It is universal. At least when we are struggling, we show evidence that we are hoping for something better. Second, I want to encourage you that you really do not have to wait on your spouse to make some kind of changes so you can have a better marriage experience. You can improve your marriage experience right now, starting today! You can choose to stop dwelling on what you see as the shortcomings in your spouse or the injustices in your marriage, and you can choose to place your focus on improving yourself as a spouse and finding joy in blessing your mate, whether or not he/she seems to “deserve” it right now.

I must say, I am amazed at the difference I experience in my peace, joy, and marital satisfaction, when I “practice what I preach” to my clients on a regular basis. I shouldn’t be amazed. I share these perspectives with them, because I know it is the best way to live - in marriage and all other relationships. But knowing the Truth and living the Truth take vastly different amounts of willingness and self-discipline. And by the way, our time at the retreat made it clear to my that I was the one who had the most changing to do. The minor “flaws” I had pegged in my wife were far eclipsed by the disgruntled attitude I was blindly wielding to the harm of each of us and our marriage. Repentance, joy, and grace are not just nice terms from the language of Christianity. They are POWERFUL forces for life transformation, my friends!

For more guidance along these lines, I highly recommend “Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More than to Make Us Happy” by Gary Thomas and “ScreamFree Marriage” (audio) by Hal Runkel. And while you’re at it, you might want to round out the resource package with “Passionate Marriage: Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Committed Relationships” by David Schnarch.

A couple nights ago, my wife and I had an intense extended discussion about several points of different perspective, with which we both have very strong emotional connections. Well, I guess some might call that a fight. Two mornings later, I am extremely grateful for two things in particular that I see growing in each of us in our marriage relationship, two foundational elements which I emphasize with my clients in marriage therapy.

It is good for us to openly express our perspectives with one another, even if it leads to a “fight.” It gives us a chance to grow as individuals and as a couple. Just as the muscles in our bodies grow stronger and healthier by being stretched and challenged, so do our attitudes and relationships grow through being pushed beyond our comfort zones. Did I agree with everything my wife said to me in our discussion? No. Did I like everything my wife said to me? No, indeed! (including things I did not and did agree with, I have to admit) Did I need to hear everything she shared with me? Yes, sir! In fact, (more…)

Okay, in fairness to my Marriage 1.0 and 1.1 posts, this one challenges a “funny” email from a male perspective. Here is the email, followed by my comments:

“Earl and Bubba (feel free to insert Boudreaux and Thibodeaux if that works better for you) are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing, and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife - she ain’t spoke to me in over two months.’

Earl spits, sips his beer, and says, ‘Better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.’”

And the hilarious message is…marriage would be great if women just shut up and didn’t bother us husbands by talking to us. Now there’s intimacy at its finest! Sure, there are plenty of women who would do well to learn to not try so hard to change their husbands, or to understand when to just remain quiet and appreciate the silent connection. And the same could be said of many men as well. Again, I believe this “funny” email represents a common marital challenge. With the right perspective and effort on the part of both husbands and wives, this frequent source of tension can be greatly transformed to facilitate the kind of intimacy men and women both desire in marriage.

It is amazing what kind of healthy changes happen in a marriage when a spouse who “talks too much” can learn to stop actively trying to change their mate to fit into the mold of their choosing. However, this can be hard to let go of when one’s spouse seems to frequently engage in behaviors that just seem so intolerable to you. But consider this…how often has your “nagging” or “badgering” (could be wife or husband) actually created the desired change in your spouse? Doesn’t it usually just lead either to big conflict or to silent separation, often followed by an actual increase in the detested behavior? Or sometimes the behavior does decrease or change, but is accompanied by so much complaining or passive-aggressive jabbing that you end up wishing your spouse were still doing the first thing and you had never made it an issue. Sound familiar to anyone?

I know this goes against the grain of your natural impulse (it certainly does mine), but watch what happens when you decide to (more…)

If you have not read my previous post, Marriage 1.0, I recommend doing so before you read this one. It will make much more sense that way.

“Please enter the command: ‘I Thought You Loved Me.exe’ and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.”

Ahhhhh…now that’s the kind of marital intimacy we all want so much, isn’t it? It ranks right up there with, “Please enter the command: ‘GET OFF MY BACK OR YOU WILL FIND OUT WHAT LOUD REALLY SOUNDS LIKE’ and make sure to simultaneously run Red Face 2.0 and Glare 5.5. If that application works as designed, Wife 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Peace and Quiet 3.2 and Dinner 4.5.” Wasn’t it the writer of Proverbs who said “The end justifies the means,” or was it Jesus or Paul, maybe?

Actually, you’ll not find that little nugget of worldly wisdom in the Bible, as it turns out to be very shallow and untrue. Wives, what do you really want most from your husbands, flowers and jewelry or the loving thoughtfulness that prompts these kinds of gifts? (more…)

Someone forwarded me the following email today, which is obviously written to be funny, even though it is based on very common real life experiences that are anything but funny. Maybe you’ve read it before. You may have even responded with a hearty LOL. But what is really so funny about it? For some, it may be one of those laugh to keep from crying kind of situations. Well, here’s the “cute” email (in italics), followed by my perspectives:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in
the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
——————————————————

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘I
Thought You Loved Me.exe’ and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t
forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1
is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Men are schmucks and marriage sucks, and it is the plight of women to bear the burden of them both! Ha Ha. If this email hits a little too close to home, and your version of Marriage 1.0 is not at all the program you saw advertised on the box, take heart and read on. If you think I’m getting way too serious about this, and you just enjoyed reading the cute email forward - feel free to enjoy reading through it again and passing it on to your friends, but you may not want to read the rest of my post.

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Here’s a little sample from the introduction I have written for my book this week.  It should give you an idea of where the book is headed:

——————– 

When I first began to move from “I’d love to write a book someday” to “It’s time to start working on my first book,” I intended to compose a book of practical guidance for achieving healthier relationships.  I felt sure this would include some references to spiritual matters, and might even include a few examples from scripture.  After all, I am a Christian, which impacts my life and counseling practice in significant ways.  Of course my book on relationships will be informed by Christian views and Biblical teaching.

I arrived at The Parish Hermitage in a quiet South Louisiana bayou for my “writing retreat,” where I intended to begin writing the book that had been forming within me for years, and was finally groaning to be birthed.  I had prayed about this moment and the ensuing season of writing my book for months.  But until I knelt to pray beside the table holding my new notebook computer and my stack of selected sourcebooks, I had not yet surrendered this project to God’s will.  Oh, how surrendering my life to the will of God changes everything!  When I genuinely, humbly surrendered, He lovingly took control.  He keeps teaching me how much better my life is when I am surrendered and He is in control, and slowly I am beginning to learn.  But the lessons can be so difficult for me.  It is not in my nature to surrender and yield control to another.  I want to dominate and seize as much control as possible.  Don’t you?  (I hope you will take the time and courage to answer that simple question honestly, not just dismissing it as “rhetorical.”) 

And as the Spirit of God began to lead my surrendered mind and will, I reflected back on my plans for my book (notice the word “my” three times in this sentence). (more…)