HopeForYourFamily

The concept of “differentiation of self” was formally defined, explored, and explained by the late Murray Bowen, one of the great minds and founding grandfathers of the field of marriage and family therapy. While his mind and insights were incredibly keen, he wrote on a level that has been very difficult for most folks to easily understand and apply in a practical, meaningful way. Thankfully, others have picked up his torch and found more accessible ways to share his light with the world. I am grateful to find myself in this succession of torch-bearers, and I would like to share a bit with you today about what I have learned regarding the process and power of differentiation.

Here is my best definition of Differentiation: Standing on one’s own two feet. Speaking and acting with calm, courageous, honest integrity, despite any pressures being applied by people or circumstances outside oneself. Being who you know you should be in all circumstances, regardless of whether others praise, criticize, or ignore.

OK, so if you’re like me, you conquered this differentiation thing a long time ago, and always live according to this standard. Yeah, right!!! With the best of intentions, I continue to fall so short of this way of living in so many different circumstances. At the same time, I am grateful to say I am growing, and I come closer to this ideal more often today than in years past. Part of my growth has come through reading and studying about differentiation and related principles, through my academic and ongoing professional training and practice. Most of my growth has come through two far more powerful teachers - life experience and real life mentors.

Through every challenge, failure, and victory I have experienced in my life, I have had one great mentor there for me. He has shown me the best example I could possibly find. He has believed in me, and offered me a steady presence of loving, devoted encouragement. He has even forgiven me of every one of my mistakes and failures, including the ones so heinous I have almost been crushed under the weight of their shame. This mentor is Jesus, the only perfect example of human life and differentiation who has ever walked the planet. I will be sharing more later, but consider today the following glimpses into the life of my ultimate example. (more…)

If you haven’t read the story of David and Goliath lately, check it out (for the kids, take a look at Veggie Tales’ engaging animated version). What an incredible story! Let me set the stage:

At this time in Israel’s history, their great enemies were the Philistines, a warring people with whom they frequently fought. On this particular day, the two armies once again find themselves lined up for battle. In fact, they have been standing ready for battle on opposite sides of the Valley of Elah for 40 days. In the days of this type of combat, a common practice was to engage in a battle of champions, with both sides agreeing to award victory and defeat to the entire armies, based on the winner of a fight between the two chosen warriors. If you ever saw the movie “Troy,” you will have some idea of the scene.

On Israel’s side, you have…well no one. There is no champion. Instead, there is an entire army of battle-hardened soldiers, along with their mighty king (who was said to stand head and shoulders above the men of Israel), shaking in their armor, listening day after day to the pagan taunts of the Philistine champion. But before you look down on the men of Israel and scorn them for their cowardice, take a look at the monster standing at the battle line. HE IS OVER NINE FEET TALL!!! I live down in LSU country, alma mater of the great Shaquille O’Neal. Try to imagine yourself standing in front of Shaq, who stands officially at 7′1′’. Look up - that’s big, a full foot taller than me, a man of slightly taller than average height. Now, picture Shaq standing in front of Goliath. Shaq is looking way up - at least two feet! He’s standing up somewhere between the belly and the armpits of this ogre. And talk about “swolt up,” Goliath’s armor weighed 125 pounds, and he wore it with the ease of a linebacker in his football pads. Will no one fight this guy? Of course not!

Enter David, younger brother of three of Saul’s finest. (more…)

(Friday morning) Just a little preview for this week’s post.

Tomorrow I am going out with my best buddy to a big stretch of woods, and we are going to shoot our shotguns. It isn’t any particular hunting season right now, so we’ll just shoot pine cones and dead limbs and such. I got my Remington 870 12-gauge for my 33rd birthday in February, my first ever real gun (the Daisy BB gun of my boyhood wasn’t too dangerous, except to the occasional backyard security light). I was inspired to get a firearm after reading through “The Way of the Wild Heart” by John Eldredge. I still haven’t even fired it once! My friend, on the other hand, grew up hunting in the woods of North Louisiana. So, we’re going out together for a manly experience of shooting harmless forest debris to enjoy our friendship and to give me the feel for firing my gun…

(Sunday evening) Well, my friend and I both survived our testosterone adventure firing lead shot at inanimate objects in the woods on Friday afternoon.  I’ve had a busy weekend, and not much time to offer deep reflection on our experience, and so offer any particularly rich life lessons to my website readership.  Sorry, that’s life sometimes.  For now, I will simply note three important rewards of the little gunpowder excursion:

1. We had a blast!  (actually 50 of them)  The whole gun experience and the conversations we shared driving out, in the woods, and driving back - all very enjoyable.

2. I found out I am a pretty darn good shot.  That was very meaningful to me, as my father was an excellent shot in the years of his early manhood as a soldier and officer in the United States Army.  I never really seemed to inherit any of his skills or know-how with tools and such.  This turned out to be a very important connection for me to my Dad.  I wish he could have seen me.  I can’t wait to tell him about it and show him a couple of my “trophies.”  (No, we didn’t shoot any animals.  I don’t think the piece of paper or empty shotgun shell felt a thing when I obliterated them.)

3. Call me a redneck or whatever you will - I feel a bit more manly today, knowing I can handle a shotgun with no problem.  Thanks, John Eldredge.  I needed that.

Normally when I make movie recommendations, it is to rent a video and watch it at home, typically for some “therapeutic” value. Let’s face it - watching movies on the big screen costs a fortune these days, and a lot of it is junk. Having said that…

You need to see Spiderman 3!!! This is not about being amazed by the special effects or the thrill of seeing comic book heroes and villains come to life at the theater. It’s about watching a Hollywood film with great moral messages. The themes in this summer blockbuster are obvious and in your face - and really fantastic. I salute the makers and producers of this great movie for challenging us to live lives of self-sacrifice, righteousness, and forgiveness, rather than the selfishness, wickedness, and bitterness that seem to be consuming our culture much like a sticky blob of black tar that crawls around looking for someone already headed down the wrong path…OK, I’ll let you go watch it for yourself.

Check out my “Therapeutic Movie Recommendations” page for more recommendations and helpful resources and links regarding using movies for insight and inspiration.

I’ll be posting some more of my own thoughts later this weekend, but for now, I’ve just got to pass this along.

My good friend, Troy, just told me about this book.  It’s called “The Dangerous Book for Boys” by Conn & Hal Iggulden, two brothers from the UK.  It has become a runaway best seller over there, and is set to be released in the US on May 1.  Following are some excerpts from an interview Amazon did with Conn Iggulden:  (more…)

My frequency of article-posting has slipped lately.  One of the reasons has been that my focus over the last few weeks has been more on soaking up some inspiring messages than on writing inspiring messages.  Allow me to share some of my recent inspiration with you:

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