HopeForYourFamily

Well, for those who have already read my previous post, you know the Spirit of God led me in an unexpected direction last week as I began writing my book. In short, I expected to write a book about the key underlying dynamics that drive relationships, beneath the surface of issues like communication style and such. I did not intend to write the book from an obvious Christian perspective, because I wanted it to appeal to and reach the broadest possible audience. Well, I don’t have a clue what kind of audience will ever read this book, or if it will ever even be published. And the real freeing part for me is…I’m not worried about it. God surprised me my leading me to write a book that is all about the Gospel - living freely, confidently, and abundantly in the Kingdom of heaven - and how this way of living offers radical transformation in the relationships of our lives.

I guess the part that blows me away about this new direction is the fact that it did surprise me. I am a follower of Christ who finds my meaning and hope and guidance primarily through my life in him. And my professional job is to help struggling people find meaning and hope and guidance to restore and improve their lives and relationships - and I do this as a “Christian counselor.” So, why shouldn’t my book be primarily concerned with the power of the Gospel to change our lives and relationships?!!

On a lighter note, the other surprise that really shouldn’t have surprised me is how much my book is going to be infused with messages and images and dialog from movies. Any of you who know me well enough to know my passion for quoting movies, and my similar passion for using movies as therapeutic tools and metaphors, won’t be surprised to find references to The Matrix and Forrest Gump, dialog from The Shawshank Redemption, and plenty more movie moments nestled in the pages of my book between stories from Scripture and tales from my own life.

And for those who are curious, my current working title is “Hope for Your Story: The Relationship Transformation of Living in the Kingdom of Heaven.” (I think the subtitle is too cumbersome, but I’ll work on it.)

With Hope in Him,

Roger

Here’s a little sample from the introduction I have written for my book this week.  It should give you an idea of where the book is headed:

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When I first began to move from “I’d love to write a book someday” to “It’s time to start working on my first book,” I intended to compose a book of practical guidance for achieving healthier relationships.  I felt sure this would include some references to spiritual matters, and might even include a few examples from scripture.  After all, I am a Christian, which impacts my life and counseling practice in significant ways.  Of course my book on relationships will be informed by Christian views and Biblical teaching.

I arrived at The Parish Hermitage in a quiet South Louisiana bayou for my “writing retreat,” where I intended to begin writing the book that had been forming within me for years, and was finally groaning to be birthed.  I had prayed about this moment and the ensuing season of writing my book for months.  But until I knelt to pray beside the table holding my new notebook computer and my stack of selected sourcebooks, I had not yet surrendered this project to God’s will.  Oh, how surrendering my life to the will of God changes everything!  When I genuinely, humbly surrendered, He lovingly took control.  He keeps teaching me how much better my life is when I am surrendered and He is in control, and slowly I am beginning to learn.  But the lessons can be so difficult for me.  It is not in my nature to surrender and yield control to another.  I want to dominate and seize as much control as possible.  Don’t you?  (I hope you will take the time and courage to answer that simple question honestly, not just dismissing it as “rhetorical.”) 

And as the Spirit of God began to lead my surrendered mind and will, I reflected back on my plans for my book (notice the word “my” three times in this sentence). (more…)

The concept of “differentiation of self” was formally defined, explored, and explained by the late Murray Bowen, one of the great minds and founding grandfathers of the field of marriage and family therapy. While his mind and insights were incredibly keen, he wrote on a level that has been very difficult for most folks to easily understand and apply in a practical, meaningful way. Thankfully, others have picked up his torch and found more accessible ways to share his light with the world. I am grateful to find myself in this succession of torch-bearers, and I would like to share a bit with you today about what I have learned regarding the process and power of differentiation.

Here is my best definition of Differentiation: Standing on one’s own two feet. Speaking and acting with calm, courageous, honest integrity, despite any pressures being applied by people or circumstances outside oneself. Being who you know you should be in all circumstances, regardless of whether others praise, criticize, or ignore.

OK, so if you’re like me, you conquered this differentiation thing a long time ago, and always live according to this standard. Yeah, right!!! With the best of intentions, I continue to fall so short of this way of living in so many different circumstances. At the same time, I am grateful to say I am growing, and I come closer to this ideal more often today than in years past. Part of my growth has come through reading and studying about differentiation and related principles, through my academic and ongoing professional training and practice. Most of my growth has come through two far more powerful teachers - life experience and real life mentors.

Through every challenge, failure, and victory I have experienced in my life, I have had one great mentor there for me. He has shown me the best example I could possibly find. He has believed in me, and offered me a steady presence of loving, devoted encouragement. He has even forgiven me of every one of my mistakes and failures, including the ones so heinous I have almost been crushed under the weight of their shame. This mentor is Jesus, the only perfect example of human life and differentiation who has ever walked the planet. I will be sharing more later, but consider today the following glimpses into the life of my ultimate example. (more…)

I recently found this old post from Mike Cope’s blog, and wanted to share it with you here. It is a well written perspective on the concept of differentiation in the context of families. Differentiation is one of the core concepts I will be explaining and building upon in my upcoming book, which I will begin writing at a retreat this month. The book will be about the important dynamics that drive our relationships - the ones that are largely under the surface and can stay off our radar unless we know how to look for them. I’ll keep you posted on the book’s progress, and let you know when I have a working title.

For now, if you are interested in reading more on the concepts of differentiation and enmeshment, I recommend reading “ScreamFree Parenting” by Hal Edward Runkel and “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch.