HopeForYourFamily

The concept of “differentiation of self” was formally defined, explored, and explained by the late Murray Bowen, one of the great minds and founding grandfathers of the field of marriage and family therapy. While his mind and insights were incredibly keen, he wrote on a level that has been very difficult for most folks to easily understand and apply in a practical, meaningful way. Thankfully, others have picked up his torch and found more accessible ways to share his light with the world. I am grateful to find myself in this succession of torch-bearers, and I would like to share a bit with you today about what I have learned regarding the process and power of differentiation.

Here is my best definition of Differentiation: Standing on one’s own two feet. Speaking and acting with calm, courageous, honest integrity, despite any pressures being applied by people or circumstances outside oneself. Being who you know you should be in all circumstances, regardless of whether others praise, criticize, or ignore.

OK, so if you’re like me, you conquered this differentiation thing a long time ago, and always live according to this standard. Yeah, right!!! With the best of intentions, I continue to fall so short of this way of living in so many different circumstances. At the same time, I am grateful to say I am growing, and I come closer to this ideal more often today than in years past. Part of my growth has come through reading and studying about differentiation and related principles, through my academic and ongoing professional training and practice. Most of my growth has come through two far more powerful teachers - life experience and real life mentors.

Through every challenge, failure, and victory I have experienced in my life, I have had one great mentor there for me. He has shown me the best example I could possibly find. He has believed in me, and offered me a steady presence of loving, devoted encouragement. He has even forgiven me of every one of my mistakes and failures, including the ones so heinous I have almost been crushed under the weight of their shame. This mentor is Jesus, the only perfect example of human life and differentiation who has ever walked the planet. I will be sharing more later, but consider today the following glimpses into the life of my ultimate example. (more…)

God continues to transform my life on a daily basis, as I remain open to learning and leading. One of the most significant areas of my recent ongoing growth has been my increasing ability to remain calm in the face of situations that once would have been very troubling. This is not to say I have achieved perfection in this arena. Far from it. But I am growing. And growing significantly.

This growing power of serenity is such a wonderful blessing! Don’t get me wrong. My life is not suddenly trouble free. I still face many of the same challenges I have faced for years, the same kind of challenges you probably face in your own life in one way or another. But I am not nearly as anxious as I once was. Dealing with family during the holidays has not been stress free this year, but I have not been stressed out. My wife and I have recently shared various moments of disappointment, frustration, and loss. And I remained calm. I have both received and offered fair criticism, and got through the struggle of those moments without getting tied up in knots. I was even able to stand before my church family and offer a testimony of the amazing gift of Jesus, based on my own perspective as a struggling sinner, giving some very vulnerable personal details. Difficult, but I did it without losing it.

At the heart of this movement of calm transformation in my life are two key elements. First is an unfolding of the concept of “differentiation” within my mind, heart, and experience. This concept was at the heart of the theories of one of the grandfathers of family therapy, Murray Bowen. My thanks to Eddie Parish, Hal Runkel, and others for helping me in the process of unpacking this treasure chest of relationship growth. Second, my life is being shaped daily through the simple, yet profound words of a prayer that offers guidance to millions:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

As I continuing growing in these powerful ways of faith, calm, and serenity, I thank God for the increasing opportunities He is giving me to reach more lives with this message. Be on the lookout for much more from me regarding these foundational elements of healthy, mature relationships in the coming months. I’ll let you know when the book is available!

I decided to sit down briefly at my computer this morning before my family and I really begin our Thanksgiving Day celebration of family, food, and fun.  (If you don’t count watching Clifford on PBS with laundry going in the dryer as part of the celebration.)  It occurs to me there are some significant ironies and lessons to be learned from this day we call Thanksgiving.  Ironic that in a land that affords so many of us such religious and social freedom, as well as opportunity and wealth, we have designated only one day to celebrate and say thanks for our many blessings.  Even more ironic that this special day has so evolved that its central feature is no longer expressing thanks to our loving Father in Heaven for giving us so many good gifts.  Now it seems for so many Americans the day is primarily about stuffing ourselves with, well. . .stuffing.  And turkey and ham and beans and potatoes and bread and pecan pie and all our favorite family recipes.  And let’s not forget my personal favorite - the cranberry “sauce” that comes straight out of the can with a slow ssshhhhluck, still in the shape of the can, that you then slice and eat to your heart’s delight.  And all of that is just the first trip through the kitchen buffet line.  Seconds, anyone?!!

So here is my encouragement to you on this Thanksgiving Day:  (more…)

As you might imagine, in my counseling practice I see a lot of power struggles, conflicts, and misbehavior. Things are not going well, so people seek professional guidance to improve their marriage or family relationships. (I also work with people on “individual” issues, but this post will focus on relationships.) As I ask questions and hear descriptions of relationship and behavior patterns, I inevitably hear a number of ways each individual has contributed to the problem. It is also quite common to hear a lot of excuses and blaming to explain away the misbehavior (and misbehavior can certainly take on many, many forms). Let me get real, here. I’ve done the same thing myself, plenty of times. But explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual. Let me say that again…

Explaining away poor choices by way of making excuses and blaming others is never helpful to the relationship or to either individual.

Oh, it might make you feel better for a while by bringing some temporary relief. It might get you out of a tight spot, and feeling like you got away with it this time. But it isn’t helpful. It isn’t healthy. It does not help you or your relationship to grow. Enough with the negative language. If you really want to improve your relationships - with your spouse, your child, your parents, your co-workers, or whoever - (more…)

“The Golden Compass” may look fun, but it has a VERY SINISTER DARK SIDE! No surprise, since it is based on the first book in a bold atheist’s “His Dark Materials” trilogy.

I may very well be writing more about this in the coming weeks, as the release of “The Golden Compass” approaches. Folks, I don’t know what you’ve heard about this film which presents itself as a kid-friendly adventure, not unlike the fantastic world of Narnia. This one is bad news - very bad news! I would urge you not to go, not to let your kids go, persuade your friends and family not to go, and do the same with the books on which the movie is based. I know in the world of internet hoaxes, it is easy to tune out things such as this post, which may ring of conspiracy theory. Do what I do when you hear something along these lines, check it out on www.snopes.com. In fact, here is the specific link regarding this movie: http://snopes.com/politics/religion/compass.asp   Or check out this Wikipedia article about the “His Dark Materials” trilogy.  Here is the information straight from Snopes.com, which has proven true every time I have checked it:

“The Golden Compass, a fantasy film starring Nicole Kidman that is scheduled to be released into theaters on 7 December 2007, has been drawing fire from concerned Christians. The film is based on Northern Lights (released in the U.S. as The Golden Compass), the first offering in Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy of children’s books, a series that follows the adventures of a streetwise girl who travels through multiple worlds populated by witches, armor-plated bears, and sinister ecclesiastical assassins to defeat the oppressive forces of a senile God.Books of the trilogy have sold more than 15 million copies around the world, with Northern Lights winning the Carnegie Medal for Children’s Literature in 1995 and in 2007 being awarded the ‘Carnegie of Carnegies’ for the best children’s book of the past 70 years. The Amber Spyglass, the final book of the series, won The Whitbread Prize in 2001, making it the first children’s book to do so.

The series’ author, Philip Pullman, is an avowed atheist who has averred that “I don’t profess any religion; I don’t think it’s possible that there is a God; I have the greatest difficulty in understanding what is meant by the words ’spiritual’ or ’spirituality.’” Critics of Pullman’s books point to the strong anti-religion and anti-God themes they incorporate, and although literary works are subject to a variety of interpretations, Pullman left little doubt about his intentions when he said in a 2003 interview that “My books are about killing God.” (Conservative British columnist Peter Hitchens labeled Pullman “The Most Dangerous Author in Britain” and described him as the writer “the atheists would have been praying for, if atheists prayed.”)”

If you haven’t read the story of David and Goliath lately, check it out (for the kids, take a look at Veggie Tales’ engaging animated version). What an incredible story! Let me set the stage:

At this time in Israel’s history, their great enemies were the Philistines, a warring people with whom they frequently fought. On this particular day, the two armies once again find themselves lined up for battle. In fact, they have been standing ready for battle on opposite sides of the Valley of Elah for 40 days. In the days of this type of combat, a common practice was to engage in a battle of champions, with both sides agreeing to award victory and defeat to the entire armies, based on the winner of a fight between the two chosen warriors. If you ever saw the movie “Troy,” you will have some idea of the scene.

On Israel’s side, you have…well no one. There is no champion. Instead, there is an entire army of battle-hardened soldiers, along with their mighty king (who was said to stand head and shoulders above the men of Israel), shaking in their armor, listening day after day to the pagan taunts of the Philistine champion. But before you look down on the men of Israel and scorn them for their cowardice, take a look at the monster standing at the battle line. HE IS OVER NINE FEET TALL!!! I live down in LSU country, alma mater of the great Shaquille O’Neal. Try to imagine yourself standing in front of Shaq, who stands officially at 7′1′’. Look up - that’s big, a full foot taller than me, a man of slightly taller than average height. Now, picture Shaq standing in front of Goliath. Shaq is looking way up - at least two feet! He’s standing up somewhere between the belly and the armpits of this ogre. And talk about “swolt up,” Goliath’s armor weighed 125 pounds, and he wore it with the ease of a linebacker in his football pads. Will no one fight this guy? Of course not!

Enter David, younger brother of three of Saul’s finest. (more…)

Forgiveness is an issue I must deal with on a frequent basis, because of my work as a marriage and family therapist. However, let’s face it - it is something we all must address at some point in our lives, probably many times throughout our lives. We live in a fallen world. We disappoint, hurt, and betray one another - spouses, family, friends, neighbors, enemies, co-workers, teammates, and any other relational context in which we find ourselves. And if we are to survive the human experience in any kind of healthy way, we must learn to forgive. Following are some of the things I have learned about the difficult and powerful process of forgiveness: (more…)