HopeForYourFamily

I am grateful to God for equipping and calling me to a life of serving the broken, beaten, and discouraged.  God has provided me with the particular gifts, experiences, and training that allow me to offer hope, guidance, and healing to my clients through my practice of Christian counseling / marriage and family therapy.  But there are far more hurting souls in my community than I could possibly begin to help in any personal way.  Nor could the combined forces of all my colleagues in the helping professions ever manage to provide services to all those in need.  And this situation doesn’t discourage me today - in fact, I have great hope for the masses who are struggling in pain.  And I hold a genuine hope for them for two key reasons:

My God is far bigger and greater than I am!

You don’t have to be a professional to be a friend who offers comfort, hope, and healing.  This means every one of you can be a helping advocate to the downtrodden!

Thanks to my good friend, Blaine, for inviting me to share this message on Saturday with a group of teenagers who will be gathered together at our church’s annual youth rally, Renewal.  (For my printable, one-page simple outline, click here: “When Your Friend is Hurting.”  This may be a helpful resource to keep on hand, or even to pass along via email to someone you know who has a heart of compassion for the hurting.)  As a passionate youth minister, Blaine understands how widespread is the damage and discouragement among our teens today, and I am grateful for his vision to equip our teens with the tools to come along side their hurting friends to lift up their heads and do what they can to help them overcome their pain and struggles.  I would like to refer you to three different passages of Scripture, which I encourage you to read in their entirety.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7  “…so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God…”

Job 2:11-13  “…Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.”

Luke 10:25-37  “…He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine.  Then he put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him…”

If you take the time to read through these Biblical words of guidance, you will find God inviting us to join him in the process of healing the hearts and lives of our neighbors.  And while there are those life issues that call for the help of various professionals, you can offer so much through the following three simple steps.  Please take note of the order of these steps, as I believe they flow in a developmental sequence: (more…)

Well, for those who have already read my previous post, you know the Spirit of God led me in an unexpected direction last week as I began writing my book. In short, I expected to write a book about the key underlying dynamics that drive relationships, beneath the surface of issues like communication style and such. I did not intend to write the book from an obvious Christian perspective, because I wanted it to appeal to and reach the broadest possible audience. Well, I don’t have a clue what kind of audience will ever read this book, or if it will ever even be published. And the real freeing part for me is…I’m not worried about it. God surprised me my leading me to write a book that is all about the Gospel - living freely, confidently, and abundantly in the Kingdom of heaven - and how this way of living offers radical transformation in the relationships of our lives.

I guess the part that blows me away about this new direction is the fact that it did surprise me. I am a follower of Christ who finds my meaning and hope and guidance primarily through my life in him. And my professional job is to help struggling people find meaning and hope and guidance to restore and improve their lives and relationships - and I do this as a “Christian counselor.” So, why shouldn’t my book be primarily concerned with the power of the Gospel to change our lives and relationships?!!

On a lighter note, the other surprise that really shouldn’t have surprised me is how much my book is going to be infused with messages and images and dialog from movies. Any of you who know me well enough to know my passion for quoting movies, and my similar passion for using movies as therapeutic tools and metaphors, won’t be surprised to find references to The Matrix and Forrest Gump, dialog from The Shawshank Redemption, and plenty more movie moments nestled in the pages of my book between stories from Scripture and tales from my own life.

And for those who are curious, my current working title is “Hope for Your Story: The Relationship Transformation of Living in the Kingdom of Heaven.” (I think the subtitle is too cumbersome, but I’ll work on it.)

With Hope in Him,

Roger

Here’s a little sample from the introduction I have written for my book this week.  It should give you an idea of where the book is headed:

——————– 

When I first began to move from “I’d love to write a book someday” to “It’s time to start working on my first book,” I intended to compose a book of practical guidance for achieving healthier relationships.  I felt sure this would include some references to spiritual matters, and might even include a few examples from scripture.  After all, I am a Christian, which impacts my life and counseling practice in significant ways.  Of course my book on relationships will be informed by Christian views and Biblical teaching.

I arrived at The Parish Hermitage in a quiet South Louisiana bayou for my “writing retreat,” where I intended to begin writing the book that had been forming within me for years, and was finally groaning to be birthed.  I had prayed about this moment and the ensuing season of writing my book for months.  But until I knelt to pray beside the table holding my new notebook computer and my stack of selected sourcebooks, I had not yet surrendered this project to God’s will.  Oh, how surrendering my life to the will of God changes everything!  When I genuinely, humbly surrendered, He lovingly took control.  He keeps teaching me how much better my life is when I am surrendered and He is in control, and slowly I am beginning to learn.  But the lessons can be so difficult for me.  It is not in my nature to surrender and yield control to another.  I want to dominate and seize as much control as possible.  Don’t you?  (I hope you will take the time and courage to answer that simple question honestly, not just dismissing it as “rhetorical.”) 

And as the Spirit of God began to lead my surrendered mind and will, I reflected back on my plans for my book (notice the word “my” three times in this sentence). (more…)

The concept of “differentiation of self” was formally defined, explored, and explained by the late Murray Bowen, one of the great minds and founding grandfathers of the field of marriage and family therapy. While his mind and insights were incredibly keen, he wrote on a level that has been very difficult for most folks to easily understand and apply in a practical, meaningful way. Thankfully, others have picked up his torch and found more accessible ways to share his light with the world. I am grateful to find myself in this succession of torch-bearers, and I would like to share a bit with you today about what I have learned regarding the process and power of differentiation.

Here is my best definition of Differentiation: Standing on one’s own two feet. Speaking and acting with calm, courageous, honest integrity, despite any pressures being applied by people or circumstances outside oneself. Being who you know you should be in all circumstances, regardless of whether others praise, criticize, or ignore.

OK, so if you’re like me, you conquered this differentiation thing a long time ago, and always live according to this standard. Yeah, right!!! With the best of intentions, I continue to fall so short of this way of living in so many different circumstances. At the same time, I am grateful to say I am growing, and I come closer to this ideal more often today than in years past. Part of my growth has come through reading and studying about differentiation and related principles, through my academic and ongoing professional training and practice. Most of my growth has come through two far more powerful teachers - life experience and real life mentors.

Through every challenge, failure, and victory I have experienced in my life, I have had one great mentor there for me. He has shown me the best example I could possibly find. He has believed in me, and offered me a steady presence of loving, devoted encouragement. He has even forgiven me of every one of my mistakes and failures, including the ones so heinous I have almost been crushed under the weight of their shame. This mentor is Jesus, the only perfect example of human life and differentiation who has ever walked the planet. I will be sharing more later, but consider today the following glimpses into the life of my ultimate example. (more…)

I recently found this old post from Mike Cope’s blog, and wanted to share it with you here. It is a well written perspective on the concept of differentiation in the context of families. Differentiation is one of the core concepts I will be explaining and building upon in my upcoming book, which I will begin writing at a retreat this month. The book will be about the important dynamics that drive our relationships - the ones that are largely under the surface and can stay off our radar unless we know how to look for them. I’ll keep you posted on the book’s progress, and let you know when I have a working title.

For now, if you are interested in reading more on the concepts of differentiation and enmeshment, I recommend reading “ScreamFree Parenting” by Hal Edward Runkel and “Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch.

In the spirit of Mardi Gras, I’m reposting my thoughts from the St. Patrick’s Day parade from last year.  People seemed to enjoy reading this one, and I’ve got quite a few newcomers to the site since then.  To update the following post to Mardi Gras ‘08, simply delete the “Emerald City” comment, change “Cajun/Irish” to “Cajun/French/Catholic,” and picture me and my family skipping the parades altogether to simply stay home and enjoy the good times without the beads, beer, and rowdiness.  OK, there is still plenty of rowdiness at our house, but it isn’t nearly so loud or drunken.  Laissez les bon temp roulet!  (That’s “Let the good times roll” for all you folks outside Cajun Country.)

“Plastic and Beer”

I write this post on St. Patrick’s Day, after having spent the morning with my family at my first ever parade in Baton Rouge.  While I had never really heard much about the St. Patty’s Day parade, I’ve heard about the legendary Mardi Gras parades of South Louisiana for years.  From what I could tell, this was pretty much the same thing - but with cheaper floats and the crowd looking like they just stepped out of the Emerald City.  As I stood there on Perkins Road with my family, taking it all in, I tried to figure out what was really the point of it all.  And I think the main point was this:

Our hearts are so easily captured.  Put a few guys and gals on a trailer with some loud music and cheap plastic beads and other assorted junk, and our hearts suddenly become convinced that catching this stuff is the most important thing in the world.  I wish I could say I did not give in to this bead-snagging impulse.  But the truth is, (more…)